When I got to the middle of the exam, I came across a question I did not know the answer for. Unfortunately, this question was a short answer question, which was five points instead of one point like the multiple choice. At this point, my heart sunk into my lap, slipped off, and broke onto the white tile floor of the chemistry lab classroom. I paused. I felt tears swelling up in my eyes. Just then, my professor glanced over at me. Her gaze paused, only for a moment in my direction. I turned my head away, and skipped to the next question.
When I was finished with the exam, 97% of my classmates were already done and probably half way home. I gathered my things and handed in my exam. My professor followed me to the door and said, "Brit, are you alright?" With tears in my eyes, I nodded, yes. As I began to quickly walk away my professor shouted, "Don't forget to bring note cards to class on Tuesday!" I gave a thumbs up and continued at my pace.
When I reached my car in the parking lot, I threw my backpack in the back seat and cried with my head buried in my arms on the steering wheel. I cried so hard until there were no more tears. I failed. My test anxiety won. I picked up my phone but I didn't know who to call. My parents? I didn't want to tell them, they probably didn't even know that I had an exam. My friends, all with 4 year bachelor degrees? I felt alone. I knew I wasn't, I know my friends and family love me for where I am and where I have come from, but in that moment, I didn't want any of that love.
I felt defeated; however, that very next morning I made phone calls to psychologists, behavior health specialists, and my insurance company to begin the process for testing for adult learning disabilities. I guess I'll leave this blog entry here and say, "What defines us is how well we rise after falling."
Until next time.
-b-
