It may just be the antsy feelings of being in my early twenties that makes me want to pack a bag and move across the country for a couple of months and I'm perfectly fine with that. There is a part of me that is willing to substitute trust for uncertainty. I want to be able to say, "Honestly, I don't know where I will be in six months." It's a safe time in my life to do this but there is always something that hold us back from jumping off the cliff. Mine? The very things that I desperately want to escape from and come back with answers for, are the gravitational pull that keeps me from buying a one-way ticket.
As explained many times in this blog, almost as if rewriting it will make it seem more likely to occur, I believe I have found something I'd be good at. That's it though. Just that. The amount of passion I see in the people around me, who are in their fields of focus appear more passionate and enlightened than I feel. Although I want to believe that I am making the right choices for a future career path, I'm not always so confident. Most days I have my reservations about the path I have chosen and the one I know I want but don't have the means to get there. Whoever said, "If there is a will, there's a way," clearly never had much of a life before that.
Everyday I find myself indulging in some sort of nature documentary or losing myself in the words of an environmentalist blog, but I know that I'm too far away from the ocean to work with the animals I so desperately care to keep from endangerment. Is my passion for the environment and nature just a love? Or could it be something more? Finding the answer to that question is harder than just exploration. I would need to move. I would need to get serious about schooling, enough so to complete a 4-year degree, and then some. Money. Enough said about that.
All in all, I'm encountering a plateau in my life. 23 years old and I haven't got a clue what the hell I'm doing here (Earth). Purpose driven? I've read that book, twice. Still nothing. As I sip on my third glass of wine, I realize this could just be the alcohol flowing instead of creative juices but either way, this is where I release it. I hope that someone, somewhere, will understand this crossroads I'm in and lend a hand, word, or prayer. Oh, to be young.
I think for some people the passion comes later. Sometimes the best you can do is make choices or commitments based on what you know now, including recognizing what you would be good at doing. It could be that by investing yourself in that path, the passion will catch up with you, or it could be that following a path may lead to unexpected and serendipitous forks in the road down the line. I have always thought the Bible verse "Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also" is interesting. It doesn't say that you decide what is important to you, and that's where you put your money and investment--although that happens, too. It seems to me it says that where you invest your money, your time, your self--your heart follows. Once you've plunged in and committed something of value to you, you get more and more interested in seeing the fruit of your investment, and get more and more involved. Bottom line is, the way things pan out is different for every person, and different in every situation. There is not so much a right and a wrong about it as there is an unfolding. You make the best decisions you can based on what you know and feel now, and the rest will gradually come to life. I have no question in my mind that someone as loving and conscientious as you are will find a meaningful path. Plant the seeds now, nurture the ground, and it will come to pass! <3
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