Skiing

Although I haven't posted in a few weeks, I'm back.  School has been trucking along.  Currently, I'm on the waiting list for the Occupational Therapy Assistant program for Fall 2014.

In the meantime,  Kate has recently taught me how to ski.  Skiing has brought me more joy than I have experienced in years.  When I first got on the hill, it brought forth a couple of fears that I've had for a while.  Heights and fast speeds have always made me very nervous; however, the hill makes those almost disappear.  I have a healthy amount of fear for speed in order to stay safe and aware but in the worried and anxious sense, it's virtually gone.  

Words cannot express how happy I was to find the perfect pair of ski boots and ski's.  Shout out to Level Nine Sports Online for having great prices and easy checkout procedures. They carry a lot of online inventory check them out ( www.levelninesports.com )

All in all, it's been a year since I returned to school and I'm so thrilled that I dropped back in.  I'm more confident in my academic abilities.  College isn't always easy but it's always rewarding.

Searching for a Serendipitous Encounter

Over the last month, my INFJ personality type has been overloaded with contemplation's of path direction, religious enlightenment, and even political standing.  I am desperately craving freedom.  Freedom from technology (as I turn to a computer to type out my feelings :-/ ).  Freedom from people (as I share this with strangers).  Freedom from comfort.  Freedom from major life choices.

 I find the experience of being out of my element deeply enriching and truly inspiring.  It also makes me thoroughly appreciate everything I leave behind.  I am nearing the beginning of an epic and challenging chapter (completely a degree), and I find myself in unique, and serendipitous circumstances (there more where that big word came from).  I wish I were in the position to put things here on hold for a bit, relocate my life temporarily to a place most known for "finding yourself".  Bali.  Most people would dream of the watery terrain or the smell of Balinese food, but I've read two books and numerous blogs about travels there.  It feels right.  Too bad it's nothing more than a distant getaway dream.

It may just be the antsy feelings of being in my early twenties that makes me want to pack a bag and move across the country for a couple of months and I'm perfectly fine with that.  There is a part of me that is willing to substitute trust for uncertainty.  I want to be able to say, "Honestly, I don't know where I will be in six months."  It's a safe time in my life to do this but there is always something that hold us back from jumping off the cliff.  Mine?  The very things that I desperately want to escape from and come back with answers for, are the gravitational pull that keeps me from buying a one-way ticket.

As explained many times in this blog, almost as if rewriting it will make it seem more likely to occur, I believe I have found something I'd be good at.  That's it though.  Just that.  The amount of passion I see in the people around me, who are in their fields of focus appear more passionate and enlightened than I feel.  Although I want to believe that I am making the right choices for a future career path, I'm not always so confident.  Most days I have my reservations about the path I have chosen and the one I know I want but don't have the means to get there.  Whoever said, "If there is a will, there's a way," clearly never had much of a life before that.  

Everyday I find myself indulging in some sort of nature documentary or losing myself in the words of an environmentalist blog, but I know that I'm too far away from the ocean to work with the animals I so desperately care to keep from endangerment.  Is my passion for the environment and nature just a love?  Or could it be something more?  Finding the answer to that question is harder than just exploration.  I would need to move.  I would need to get serious about schooling, enough so to complete a 4-year degree, and then some.  Money.  Enough said about that.


All in all, I'm encountering a plateau in my life.  23 years old and I haven't got a clue what the hell I'm doing here (Earth).  Purpose driven?  I've read that book, twice.  Still nothing.  As I sip on my third glass of wine, I realize this could just be the alcohol flowing instead of creative juices but either way, this is where I release it.  I hope that someone, somewhere, will understand this crossroads I'm in and lend a hand, word, or prayer.  Oh, to be young.

C-Average

As you know, last Thursday was the first major exam I've taken since I started school in January of this year.  My test anxiety definitely got the best of me.  I went in thinking positively, even though the days leading up to the exam were stressful.  Once the test began, my palms began to sweat profusely, my heart was beating out of my chest, and I literally had to reread each test question three times.  

When I got to the middle of the exam, I came across a question I did not know the answer for.  Unfortunately, this question was a short answer question, which was five points instead of one point like the multiple choice.  At this point, my heart sunk into my lap, slipped off, and broke onto the white tile floor of the chemistry lab classroom.  I paused.  I felt tears swelling up in my eyes.  Just then, my professor glanced over at me.  Her gaze paused, only for a moment in my direction.  I turned my head away, and skipped to the next question.

When I was finished with the exam, 97% of my classmates were already done and probably half way home.  I gathered my things and handed in my exam.  My professor followed me to the door and said, "Brit, are you alright?"  With tears in my eyes, I nodded, yes.  As I began to quickly walk away my professor shouted, "Don't forget to bring note cards to class on Tuesday!"  I gave a thumbs up and continued at my pace.

When I reached my car in the parking lot, I threw my backpack in the back seat and cried with my head buried in my arms on the steering wheel.  I cried so hard until there were no more tears.  I failed.  My test anxiety won.  I picked up my phone but I didn't know who to call.  My parents?  I didn't want to tell them, they probably didn't even know that I had an exam.  My friends, all with 4 year bachelor degrees?  I felt alone.  I knew I wasn't, I know my friends and family love me for where I am and where I have come from, but in that moment, I didn't want any of that love.  


 I felt defeated; however, that very next morning I made phone calls to psychologists, behavior health specialists, and my insurance company to begin the process for testing for adult learning disabilities.  I guess I'll leave this blog entry here and say, "What defines us is how well we rise after falling."

Until next time.

-b-

Test Anxiety and Learning Differences

Most students are not happy to sit down and take an exam; however, the overwhelming feeling I get when I know a test is only days away is indescribable.  As defined in the dictionary, "Test anxiety is a combination of perceived physiological over-arousal, feelings of worry and dread, self-depreciating thoughts, tension, and somatic symptoms that occur during testing situations."

Warning: Serious girl talk is about to happen so if you are uncomfortable skip down to the next paragraph.  I'm a very regular girl. As far as my cycle is concerned, no stress or sickness can bump back or allow me to skip a period.  That being said, when a test comes around the day my cycle is supposed to begin or already has begun, it have literally stopped my period in it's tracks.  I know this may seem like over-sharing but any woman will be able to understand what a big deal that is.

From the time I was in third grade, I had problems succeeding in school.  Mainly with handing assignments in on-time, passing exams, and following rubrics for papers.  These may seem like signs of me being a lazy or careless student but I assure you, I was not.  I liked learning.  I like learning.  My brain does not always understand how to focus on current tasks or future lists if they are not written down in 100 places.  I could never explain it until I began looking up symptoms of adult learning disabilities (LD).  I hate that word.  Disability.  My ability or lack thereof has nothing to do with my ability to learn.  It has to do with my ability to succeed in this type of standardize schooling.  



At the end of the day, my academic adviser suggested that I get tested for adult learning "differences".  Ah, that's a better word.  Thus, I will be setting up an appointment sometime soon for that.  

The reason for this post is that, until now, I have never admitted that my struggles in school were not because I was lazy or dumb (as I often truly believe I am not as smart as average students), but that they are an underlying issue of a learning difference.  

I have an exam today that is worth a fifth of my grade.  I regret not getting tested prior to this test  because if I did require some special testing circumstances, I may score higher than I will now.  Regardless, I've studied the material, I feel confident (aside from testing anxiety) and I hope this test won't be as bad as my head makes it seem. Fingers crossed.

Quick Post

School is underway.

Aside from the construction that is ripping apart 75% of the school and the constant smell of wood, school is going great!  I only have two classes again this semester as that is all I needed before I enter the program of Occupational Therapy Assistant!  

I find myself wishing I was a full-time student but I see this semester as another opportunity to try school on in the best way I know how.  Push through.  I can't complain that I have more time to complete papers, homework, and busy work but I also wish I was a full-time student because I am ready for it now.

Until next time,

I'll leave you with my favorite author's quote.  Spot on to how I'm feeling about the anticipation of next semester!

Thanks for your support!

Failure as Motivation

Everyone has their own motivation to push forth in times of difficulty.  Unfortunately, it takes every bit of me to stay on task and finish what needs to be done when it comes to school.  My motivation?  Failure.  Strange, I know.  My previous failure in college is what makes me push on. 

Although I attended a 4-year university for two full-time years, I only passed (C or higher) about 18 credits.  All 12 credits of my first semester were B's and C's.  The next semester I got my first D in college and it was downhill from there.

I don't think I've ever admitted my extreme academic failure publicly.  I had to quit a job that kept me out of trouble because I was on academic probation for the second semester.  That next semester, I dropped out.  Left to pay for thousands of dollars in student loans on a minimum wage job.  A mediocre position in a company with minimal opportunity for promotion.   Luckily,  I got a promotion.  Nothing as exciting as I thought. 

More responsibility with an unequal amount of pay for it.  I held my head up, I was fed up, but I had to survive.  I knew that each moment was so precious but it was hard to cherish them when I was such a failure and disappointment to myself.  I physically couldn't look into the mirror.  I was a hard worker but I never amounted to much, even at work.  Passion was something that was not inside of me.  

Although I was fed up with my life, I didn't it to pass me by.  Luckily, I had a lot of smart women that I worked with who constantly reminded me to take opportunity and education seriously at my age.  "Go back to school," they would tell me, "You'll regret it, if you don't."  They were right.  I had to keep my eye on the prize.  The prize of finishing. The prize of accomplishing something.  For myself.  

Failing school has taught me that, although school has never been easy for me, it is possible.  I have to take it upon myself to learn and be educated.  Just sitting in a classroom, taking notes, and answering a few questions is not getting an education.  You have to be involved.  Think about things after the bell rings and everyone goes home.  Apply it to life.  Apply it in every situation I can.

Due to my new mindset about school, I've accomplished being a student speaker for a ethnic/diversity class, receive my first college A, and set goals that I actually accomplished.  I have to finish school this time.  I don't have another option.  I've tried the working world of the minimum wage and I can't survive.  I want to look in the mirror in my older adult hood and say, "I'm glad I did this.  I'm glad I went back."  

I want to say Thank You to the three women who pushed me and encouraged me to go back to school and give it my all.  Michelle, Dawn, and Christine.  You've helped me more than you'll ever know.  I owe you.

Maintaining the Status Quo

Although the struggle of balancing school, work, divorcing parents, parents who don't talk to me, and my friends...I'm managing quite well and I even got a 100% on my last exam.

Life has thrown a lot my way in the past couple months but my ability to maintain and uphold my grade point average is impeccable.  I don't mean to sound cocky or full of myself but this is pretty impressive for me not to fall behind when life gets busy.  In the past, I have gotten myself on academic probation and even worse in similar situations as this.  My girlfriend, Kate, has shown me how to handle it all at once and after watching her go through hell and back all while successfully maintaining her great GPA in Nursing school, has been extraordinarily helpful.



For her, I am so thankful.  I wouldn't be succeeding if it were not for her.